| Find the Balance |
| Saturday, 03 April 2010 00:00 |
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Stories I didn’t need God… by Wendy Pratt "At that time, I was going to a Buddhist group in Aberdeen. I practised mindfulness meditation and I joined a study group on Sunday mornings. In Buddhism there is no God, and all things are impermanent… When I was in my twenties… not long after my first husband left me for someone else; I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Alcohol seemed to ease the physical and emotional pain and I was drinking far too much. When another long-term relationship ended, I moved up to Aberdeen with my job. I married again, sadly we lost a baby, and I was medically retired soon afterwards. I tried all kinds of alternative medicine, therapies, and techniques, and I read self-help books. Some appeared to help at first, but didn’t last; and I spent an absolute fortune! I thought I could heal my life. Some years later I was diagnosed with depression, and I went to Cornhill Hospital every week for five years. I was so withdrawn I found it difficult to speak, let alone explain how I felt. I was dead on the inside. During that time my Mum died of cancer… and when my second marriage came to an end, I moved to Ellon. In September 2007, my friend Grace invited me to the Alpha Course in Inverurie, and I said no… I didn’t need God. The therapy I was getting at the hospital was helping, and I loved the Buddhist group and the meditation. I was really happy. But Grace didn’t give up, she was very persuasive. When we saw a poster in a coffee shop in Ellon, saying Alpha was going to be held at St. Marys on the Rock, we decided to go along. I went because I was curious to learn about other people and their faith. It would be a chance to make friends, and I would get my dinner on a Tuesday night… What more could I ask for? Every week, we would sit in my car afterwards, and Grace would ask me what I thought of the Alpha Course and I would say, “Oh Grace… I just don’t believe, and I don’t think I ever will. The food is great, and I love the people. I think I might like it more if they didn’t pray and speak about God, but I don’t think I’ll go back.” But every week I went back… and every week I was sceptical. Andrew who was in my group came in after a few weeks and said he believed. I was dumb struck! I thought he had been planted there to make me believe. I was told, I just had to take a leap of faith… I don’t leap anywhere! I was convinced the Alpha leaders were awarded Brownie points for each person they converted. When I realised Christianity was all about having a relationship with God, it was the last thing I wanted! I didn’t want another relationship… it was just destined to go wrong! I was told God would guide me and tell me what to do… but I didn’t want to be told what to do! I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I didn’t need to be forgiven… I didn’t pray, and I didn’t want to be prayed for; but still I went back every week, drawn by the people and the things they said. One night in my bed, I started speaking to God for the first time. I asked Him to help the people in my group who were praying. I was worried they were going to be so disappointed when their prayers weren’t answered. As the weeks went by I listened, quietly, as people came in and described the changes God was making in their lives. I thought it was just a co-incidence. One week, someone said that maybe God wasn’t ready for me yet. I went home and I thought… Of course God is ready! Of course He’s ready for me!! That night I spoke to God again. I asked Him to help me choose between Buddha and Jesus. I expected Him to say, “Now… you’re the happiest you’ve ever been, so just carry on doing what you are doing!” But He didn’t. I knew if I stopped going to Alpha now, I would miss the people. I wanted what they had. I wanted to be part of the Family. Everyone looked so happy. The Alpha Course was almost finished. One of the last sessions was about How God Heals Today. So with nothing to lose, and for the first time, I asked Lucy and Ian the leaders of my group, if they would pray for me. I asked for the disease and physical pain to be removed from my body. They thanked God, asked for forgiveness, prayed for my hands to be healed, and they prayed for God to come into my life. I didn’t think God would be listening; I thought He would be too busy to bother with me… Later, when I was driving Grace home along the Pitmedden Road; we were talking about what had gone on that evening, I tried to remember the prayer and I said it out loud. I didn’t expect anything to happen. Then I noticed a change in my hands. They were different; they didn’t feel like my hands any more. When I got home, the swelling had greatly reduced on my left hand. I was in shock, but excited at the same time… I couldn’t sleep! That night I prayed all night. I asked God, “If you are real and you are there, please show yourself to me.” And I asked God to come into my life. In the morning I could see my knuckles on my left hand for the first time in years, and the pain had almost gone. I went into a charity shop and I found a bible in the 10p box. The pages fell open, and the words I read were part of the prayer from the previous night… Matthew 7:8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds. And to him who knocks, the door will be opened… I carried on reading the Bible… I just couldn’t put it down. I read the Parables of the Four Soils, and the Seed Parables; over, and over, again. I said to God, “If I am going to believe in you, I want to be a seed with strong roots, one that grows in the good soil. I don’t want to be a seed that blows away in the wind.” And I asked God to come into my life. That night I went to bed and I carried on praying. I didn’t know if I had to knock on the door, and God would open it; or if He was knocking and I was supposed to open it. I couldn’t remember, and it didn’t matter. I just kept praying. But that door really scared me. What if God came in and He didn’t love me? What if He came in, saw all my problems; saw what I was really like, and didn’t like me very much? What if He loved me for a little while then changed His mind and left? What if He came in, and I didn’t like Him and He wouldn’t leave? But I didn’t give up. I prayed with all my heart. Then a vision came to me… I was a little girl sitting on some big stone steps. Behind me was a huge wooden door. I wanted to open it, but I was too scared. I looked around and Jesus was standing there. He had a kind, gentle face; and he stretched out his hand and he said to me, “Come on, come on, you can do it! I’ll help you.” I thought if I opened the door, I could look to see what was there, and if I didn’t like it, I could always close it again. So I went with Jesus and I opened the door… just a tiny bit; and I peered through the crack. Well… I don’t what happened next, but God was so quick! He sneaked in when I wasn’t looking! God came right into my heart, and I have never felt love like that before. Until that moment I didn’t know what unconditional love was; and no amount of money could pay for the joy in my heart! I was so excited I thought I would burst. I barely slept, and the party in Heaven went on for weeks! In December I started coming to St Marys. That Christmas was the first Christmas I spent living on my own. I woke up that morning and there were no presents to open. I went to church and during the service, Gerald the minister, walked down the aisle and asked the children what presents they had received. I desperately wanted to speak, but I didn’t have the confidence. I struggled to hold back the tears. When I got outside I stood and sobbed. Liz, who was in my Alpha group came over, she gave me a hug and said… “They’re tears of joy! Tears of joy!” And we laughed and cried together. I had been given the best gift of all… I had God in my heart!! I can only describe my life as being like a jigsaw puzzle. Do you know when you’re doing a puzzle and the sky is the only part left? There are loads of blue pieces, and you try wedging a piece in because you think it’s the right one. It stays there for a little while, and then it pops out again because it doesn’t fit. Well, that’s what I was doing. I was trying to fill the empty space in my heart. Now, I know that space was God-shaped. Alternative medicine, therapies, techniques and self-help books are no longer of any interest to me. I did pick up the Buddhist books again to study; I would read a couple of lines, and put them back down. Now, I only want to read the Bible. Everything I need is in one book. I went back to the Buddhist group… twice, and I took God with me. I looked around and I realised I had found what I was searching for. God had been there all along; and although people had tried to convince me, I had to let God do the convincing. It is not easy to be a seed in the good soil. I am weak and sometimes I get choked by the thorns. But I am learning to lean on God. In July this year I was driving along the Pitmedden Road, praying and praising God, and I asked Him to forgive me… for all the times when I didn’t hear, and for the times when I chose not to listen, because I thought I knew best… At that moment, I was filled with the Spirit, and the swelling went down on my right hand. I still have rheumatoid arthritis; I am not cured… yet. But the real healing is in my heart; and I know, I am being healed from the inside out. In the past four years, God has done amazing things. I haven’t got time to mention them all; but I went on the Alpha Course for the food, and to meet people. God gave me so much more… God gave me food, friends and freedom. I receive so much from God I am the richest I have ever been. I wonder how I could ever pay Him back… but I don’t need to. All God asks of me, is to love Him with all my heart, be guided by the Holy Spirit… and pass it on. When I can’t feel God’s presence my heart aches. Without Him I am lost. When I speak about what He has done, and is still doing in my life I feel alive. I am in love! When I didn’t believe, God showed me He was there… and do you know what the best bit is? God will never leave me. God is permanent. God is love. Amen. Journey each day with God   |
